transactions
...and art. Do sales validate artists, and justify creative pursuits?
I have never been paid for my art.
Not ever.
But getting paid for your art, I feel, is essential to differentiating it from being a hobby.
I have a Fine Arts degree so I chose to train to “work as an artist.”
I didn’t intend for my art to be a hobby. It was just what I chose as opposed to medicine or accounting…it would be how I took care of myself as an “adult.”
But I didn’t believe myself. I carried this low-humming anxiety throughout my four years in university of how I would actually make money.
From my paintings and drawings of course, right? That should’ve been a one-time and final answer; but no. I didn’t believe anyone would buy my art.
Why? I wasn’t getting terrible grades, in fact, I was quite strong; both conceptually and skilfully. I got this feedback from multiple lecturers, and some of my peers too.
So the art was good, maybe not great, but not bad bad. Still, I didn’t believe anyone would buy it. How would I pay rent, how would I buy a car, get medical insurance…change my glasses?
I believed in my art, and myself. But I didn’t actually believe myself when I said it would be my job.
I asked my sister to keep this one painting for me in second-year, and then I just never took it. It looked good on her wall, it blended in with the colour. It was subtle, and homely; it didn’t stop anyone in their tracks, but whoever happened to look didn’t recoil I think, I hope.
A couple of weeks ago, I asked her for it back, “now that I’m home and tidying stuff up,” I told her.
I don’t actually have use for it, but I was rereading You Are A Bada*s (2013) by Jen Sincero, and her bit on self-respect and taking yourself seriously so that everyone else, in turn, will take you seriously, made me ask for the painting back.
I wanted to assert my “seriousness” about being an artist and I thought it inconsistent messaging to the universe to let someone keep my painting for free while I was saying I wanted to make a living from my art.
And sure enough, my sister sent the painting back by courier. I had to fetch it from their storefront. It didn’t fit in my car, and I had to tie it onto the roof with the help of a car guard. I gave him 20 bucks.
It stung.
My sister didn’t try to buy the painting after having it on her walls for what was coming to 5 years. No haggling, no resistance, not even a false promise: “I’ll pay you for it when I get my bonus in December, how much do you want?”
…there was nothing.
So, my dear friend tell me, what can I do?
I cannot do corporate (I’ll be writing you about this later, randomly probably, because I can’t approach it from the front like this…it just hurts).
What I can say for now is I’ve had 3 or 4 corporate-type jobs, 9 to 5 in an office-type situations, and it has not worked. I have not lasted 3 months in any.
So, I can’t keep a job, and my art “won’t?” “doesn’t?” sell? (apologies for this atrocious sentence).
A podcaster and coach I follow, Cathy Heller, says it’s all about beliefs. That we have to widen our capacity for what we think is possible. I’ve tried to think bigger, and then resized to make it easier. A whole online store and some social media marketing later, I can’t even sell a drawing for $5.
Artist and podcaster Antrese Wood, says sometimes we’ll unconsciously make it difficult, to prove our limiting beliefs. I think about how hard I’ve tried, how futile my efforts have been.
Am I making it complicated?
P.S.
This is the painting, which you HAVE to understand, is just IMPOSSIBLE to photograph.
It, proverbially, looks better than the photo.
*sigh*
It is also still up for sale…
double *sigh*
Yours,
Siphumelele